Seeing as this blog was being used to track my dating life I guess I should start sharing all the AMAZING dates I’ve had!
*Note the sarcasm*
I generally don’t like messaging for weeks on end with potential dates, after all I’m not looking for a penpal. After a couple of messages on the app I like to exchange numbers and then move on to a phone call if I think there is potential. There have been a few exceptions to this rule when I’ve been away for work or on holiday and vice versa for him but if they don’t want to meet within the first couple of weeks this generally signals a red flag for me.
This guy wanted to talk on the phone pretty quickly which was I thought a good sign. When we chatted our conversations were great. We had a few things in common and he was recently divorced so knew what I was going through. One night we must have spoken for three hours. He also had a lovely voice. How the guy sounds is a big point for me. You could be listening to this forever!!
We set a night for our date, a Friday evening at a local bar that I really like which does amazing cocktails. I was SO excited. We got on really well over the phone I didn’t see how we could fail to get on in person. As I normally do before a date I did a bit of online research (aka stalking) but to be fair if you have ever seen an episode of Catfish (hello Nev, boy he is hot) you will understand why. His LinkedIn profile matched up to what he had said. I found his Facebook and Twitter, nothing out of the ordinary there. He had some old pictures where he looked very different to his profile picture but nothing out of the ordinary.
Now considering this is the first Friday night date I have had and we are going somewhere relatively nice I embark pretty much the entire office in on the discussion of what to wear. I don’t want to try too hard but at the same time I want to look like I have made an effort. One of the guys in IT even sends me links to pictures online of what kind of ‘look’ I should be going for. Over thinking it? Well yes but I am a girl it’s what we do best!
So I’m on the train to meet him, hair has gone to plan, make up on point and I’m even wearing heels! That says a lot, trust me. I arrive at the bar which is really busy, I cant see him so I make my way to the bar. I get a whatsapp, its him sending a picture of the reservation notice on the table. Ahhhh so he is here. I walk around a bit more and locate him.
My heart sinks, immediate disappointment.
My dad dresses better than this guy. He has bootcut stone wash jeans on that look like they are three sizes to big for him. In fact, it actually looks like he is wearing someone else’s clothes. A pink brushed cotton shirt that is faded and covered in bobbels and a tweed jacket. He looks super geeky. Now I find geeky attractive but this was not even remotely hot geeky. He informs me he has been there for ten minutes and is already down to the bottom of his first pint.
My head is telling me to leave but I have the small issue of still living with my ex. We are not at the stage of talking about our dating with each other yet and I told him I was out with friends so if I had gone home after 30 minutes he would have known something was up. Short of sitting at the train station for a couple of hours I decide to stay. I figure we have got on so well over the phone it would be silly to leave, we can at least have a drink and a chat. Well I was wrong. Neither of us could think of anything to say. I am the worlds most talkative person. Through my work I talk to all kinds of people from cleaners to celebrities to government officials and I have never had a moment where I have been stumped but this guy. Nothing. He kept trying to start up conversations, mainly about his fancy car, how much he earned ect If that was meant to impress me it turned me off even more.
The next thing I know he is complimenting me on how pretty I am and reaches over to try and hold my hand and stroke my arm. I laugh this away. After 15 painful minutes I just come out and said it seems weird that we got on so well but couldn’t find anything to talk about in person. Maybe there had been too much talk and we now had nothing to say? Not that, that has EVER happened to me before. I suggested maybe it was down to me not feeling any chemistry. He looked hurt when I said this, he reminded me of a sad puppy.
He went on to suggest we go somewhere else where we could sit closer together. Apparently the chemistry would flow then. I said I didn’t think that would change anything. He then offered up that if I kissed him I would change my mind. WTF? I’ve just told you there is no chemistry and now you are asking to kiss me! This was followed by ‘I’ll still take you home and fuck you’ EXCUSE ME?!? I actually burst out laughing.
Rather than be totally offended by this I decide this guy needs help. If he is ever going to get a successful date he really needs some tips. He did seem nice guy when we had spoken on the phone so I suggested we stick to being friends and as we were out maybe we should just get dinner rather than waste the evening (seriously ladies why is it when your winged eyeliner goes absolutely perfect the date is a wash out?!). Once I had suggested that it was like the pressure had been removed and we found some things to chat about. Mainly his ex who he is madly in love with and wants to get back with. Yes that’s right. I spent the next hour acting as an agony aunt. I’d actually quite like to re-train as a therapist so I spoke through my views on the stories he was telling me and that he needed to let go of this ex as it was clear she didn’t really want him. He also complained how he hated online dating and that he has spent a small fortune on woman that never wanted to see him again! We had a ok enough evening and a slightly awkward goodbye where he still tried to go in for a kiss.
The following day he messaged and appologised for being forward, he had just really wanted me to like him and could we stay friends. He had appreciated my feedback on the situation with the ex and had a good conversation with her that morning. Considering most of my friends are married and have children i’m more than happy to make new friends especially as he was local.
That weekend the weather surprisingly for England was glorious, I spent Saturday and Sunday pottering in the garden and sunbathing. His messages kept coming and he called on Sunday lunch time to ask if I was at a loose end did I fancy Sunday dinner at his house. I had nothing else planned so I thought why not. It turns out he lived ten minutes from my house. On arrival the first thing he asked was ‘Did you see my car?’ Yes I have eyes, I saw you had a car in the driveway. ‘Its nice isn’t it?’ Its a car. seriously, men! He tells me its an Audi TT and looks at me like I should be impressed. Now if it was KITT from Knightrider or the DeLorean from Back to the Future THEN I’d have been impressed.
He offers me a tour of the house, he too had been gardening this weekend, being Mrs green fingers I cant help but offer up some ideas for his garden. It had serious potential! His house has pretty much had all traces of his ex wife removed baring the floral cake topper which is framed and hanging on the master bedroom wall. I asked if he had brought women back to his house and that had been on the wall for them to see. He had indeed. I suggested he might want to put up a picture instead. He also had half dead cactus on lots of the windowsills. Again I suggest he might want to remove those the next time he has a woman over.
We head to the living room to watch a film, he tells me about the surround sound in the room, apparently its just the same as it would be in the cinema. Who knew? Honestly, when will guys realise genuine girls don’t care about that bullshit. Money and fancy things doesn’t equal love. Anyways….I comment that he looks much better than when we were on the date, he also seems much more relaxed and chatty again. Hell, he is almost starting to appeal to me. Now rather than show common sense when he leans in to kiss me I go with it. It’s a pretty sloppy kiss. Say this is not a good idea. When he asks if I want to go upstairs I say ok. This is not a good idea, what are you doing?
We are on the bed kissing when no word of a lie, he stuck his entire tongue in my ear. Now I love being kissed. I can’t get enough of it, kiss me all over, nibble my ear sure but a whole tongue?? No thanks. I found myself saying rather loudly ‘Ewwww, that’s horrible’ he looked shocked, the lost puppy came out again. Sorry but I’ve has several years of lousy time in bed and I don’t want any more.
He tries to recover it by going to town with his fingers, seriously it was like I was a fort and his hand was a battering ram! He declared ‘ I think I found it’ Er, found what? I wasn’t aware I had lost anything down there. Your G spot of course. Oh right, thanks for letting me know. He is so rough and his finger nails are sharp. This is not enjoyable AT all. I quickly decide this was a bad idea, a REALLY bad idea. I actually start chastising myself as i’m laying there. I tell him I think we should just call this a day, it was a bad idea and we should have stuck to being friends. He takes himself off to the bathroom. I start putting my clothes on, I just want to get out of here asap, sod the Sunday dinner this is just weird.
As i’m getting dressed I notice some marks on the pillow, I look closer and realise it’s blood, I turn the light on and the duvet looks like a crime scene. He is yet to return from the bathroom so I go and check on him. He is furiously washing his hands and is as white as a sheet. I tell him I think he must have cut me as I have a coil and don’t get periods. He appologises. I ask if he has a clean duvet set and offer to change the sheets. As i’m changing the sheets he turns to me and says….
‘Could you…could you possibly erm…..could you possibly have something?!’
I’m very careful with my sexual health, but actually being asked this to my face. Well I was pretty horrified. Plus the fact I have been no where near his junk. As soon as he saw my reaction he started apologising. I told him I thought it was best if I left, he begged me to stay, have dinner and watch the film. Erm well if you think I’ve just infected you with god knows what why on earth would I want to stay and eat dinner with you? All the way home he was messaging me how sorry he was and that the fear of blood had shaken him he was worried he might have a cut on his finger and therefore caught something IF I had anything. I assured him I was as clean as a whistle and maybe next time he was with a woman he might want to consider cutting his nails.
This was a very good lesson in trusting my instincts and going with my gut feeling. When you think you should leave the bar, leave the bar. Lesson learned!