You give me your armor, And you can have my heart

miranda-lambert-tin-man-2017-acm-awards

 

Today my husband moved out of our marital home. I had been waiting for this moment for over a year. I thought I’d feel happy but in actual fact I feel really sad. Overwhelmingly so. I know that separation is the right thing for us. We have tried and tried to make things work but it seems we are incapable of making each other happy so we both need to work out what does make us happy again. As we have not yet managed to sell our house yet one of us moving out was the only option.

I wanted to be part of a winning team but all I feel like is a looser. A failure. Why couldn’t we make it work? Why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t he enough? Will I ever find someone to love me again?

May is always a strange month for me, it would have been the birthdays of the babies I lost. It seems strange to think I could have had a four year old and two year old twins. Another thing I couldn’t make work. Life can be so cruel. This wasn’t how I had pictured my life. Where is the fairytale ending?

I decided the best thing to do was try and keep busy rather than focus on how I was feeling. I did some cleaning and then popped to the supermarket. I got to about the fourth aisle and I could feel the tears coming. I tried to stop them but out they came. God knows what people must have thought. I already look weird enough thanks to the massive plasters over my nose and chin where I had some moles removed on Friday so I must have really looked a picture.

I’ve learnt it’s better to say ‘I see you’ when sadness comes and just go with it rather than try and push it down and deal with it later. So I’m hoping that now I’ve let the tears flow when I wake up tomorrow I will feel better than I do now.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”-Psalm 30:5

I really wish I wasn’t alone tonight, I wish I had someone here to give me a hug and tell me its all going to be ok.  I wish I had someone to fix me.

I’ll end with one of my of my favourite singers Miranda Lambert. She wrote this about her own divorce and it couldn’t be more fitting for how I feel.

Hey there Mr. Tin Man
You don’t know how lucky you are
You shouldn’t spend your whole life wishin’
For something bound to fall apart
Every time you’re feeling empty
Better thank you lucky stars
If you ever felt one breaking
You’d never want a heart
 
Hey there Mr. Tin Man
You don’t know how lucky you are
I’ve been on the road that you’re on
It didn’t get me very far
You ain’t missing nothing
‘Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me darling
You don’t want a heart
 
Hey there Mr. Tin Man
I’m glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It’s in pieces now
By the way there Mr. Tin Man
If you don’t mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart
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