Upon telling a couple of my work colleagues about my plans for the next couple of weeks I was told I was having a mid life crisis.
Apparently wanting a couple of piercings and a tattoo means you have lost the plot! It’s a tiny tattoo that no one would see unless I chose to show them and piercings can always be removed. On hearing they thought I was having a crisis I started to question myself. Should I do this, should I not. Then I thought, who the hell cares? I have one life and I might as well live it.
Sure things have certainly not worked out the way I had planned them (single, divorced, childless – woo go me!) but I feel like I can’t waste anymore time.
When I think back to my 20’s there were so many things I wished I had done. On the outside I was cocky but inside I was petrified, lost and always felt out of place. I was afraid of my own shadow.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is hard and very confusing. You get used to having the rug constantly pulled out from underneath you. One minute your playing happy family’s the next your being screamed at or beaten up. You become mistrusting of everyone. If the person who is meant to love you the most in the world can be so cruel why would anyone else be kind?
I embarked on destructive relationships due to a lack confidence and my belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved. Looking back I missed out on so many wonderful opportunities. From men I felt were too good to me to moving abroad to nights out I didn’t go on as I didn’t feel good enough.
I’ve now realised you can’t live life afraid. An untimely death in my family woke me up two years ago and things have never been the same since. My dream of having a family may never become a reality (did I really want this or was this just what everyone else was doing?), I might end up spending years on my own, but at least I can try and live those year being happy.
I’ve wanted someone to save since I was five years old. The reality is the only person who can save me is me.
Maybe rather than having a mid life crisis I’m having a mid life metamorphosis and this is who I was actually meant to be?