The one that tried to strangle me

You know the phrase everyone you meet is a lesson or a blessing? Well this guy definitely fell into the lesson category. We matched on bumble and chatted for a few days and he suggested meeting the following week for a drink.
Over the weekend we spoke quite a bit and he suggested bringing the date forward. I was working from home so he suggested meeting near my house early evening before he had to go to work. He was a paramedic so did shift work.

When we met we got on really well, the two hours flew by. He was funny and charming. He also loved gardening as I do so we spent a long time talking about his plans for his next garden. It was a little awkward that I had made plans for later that evening so when he suggested getting food he had to eat in his own. That was the only bad part of the date. On leaving he said he had a great time and would love to see me again.

The following day he was super chatty again, he was about to move in to a new home and suggested visiting him and going out for lunch locally the following week.

Fast forward to that week, when I got to his house he was still in unpacking hell. He gave me a tour of the house and went for a walk at the nature reserve at the back of his house. When we got back to his I got another tour of the bedroom so to speak and this is where things got weird. Firstly he was pretty small, not an issue if you can put in effort in other ways but he didn’t. I’d say he lasted about two minutes if that, but it was enough time to put his hands around my neck and start to strangle me. Now I’m not a prude, I often joke I’ll try anything twice but this was different. This is the kind of thing I would expect a guy to talk about before hand but no. I batted his hands away and told him in no uncertain terms to never do that’s again to a woman without talking to her about it first. He explained his ex was into it so he thought I would be too WTF?! After he said sorry and it was just an automatic thing he did. While we lay in bed he asked for my advice on what cooker he should buy. *insert monkey hand to the face emoji here*

He suggested going out for a coffee as he didnt have a kettle yet. We went to a local pub and it was as if he was doing anything he could to put me off. Call everyone woman in the pub love, tell me the world is over populated so he would never consider having children, Donald Trump isn’t that bad, that as a paramedic he rarely rushes to patient as they will probably die anyway and basically the world is doomed and we are all going to die. Where did the nice guy I met on the first date go?

When we returned home he offered me some food, this was in the form of a spinach leaves, red peppers and a cooked chicken from Tesco. He gave me so much spinach Popeye would have struggled to eat it all. Zero effort had been put into this. After the food he went back to unpacking boxes and I quickly realised I was only here for one thing. Seeing as I’d had no fun first time round I thought I’d at least try and get an orgasm out of the day so suggested we headed back upstairs again. Can you think of the first thing he did as he was laying behind me. Yep you guessed it. Hands around the neck again. He came in a nano second again it seemed that an orgasm for me was going to be elusive. We went back downstairs and said our goodbyes. 

Just before I reached home he messaged me….

So, I’m not sure if you felt it but I was really uncomfortable with you. I don’t think we should see each other again. As a word of advice a girl that sleeps with a guy after two dates is never going to be more than a fuck and chuck.


 Now what I wanted to reply was this…

  1. Who said I wanted to see you again?
  2. I generally don’t sleep with someone (twice) that I feel uncomfortable with
  3. Your cock was tiny 
  4. You came so quickly I bearly registered you in me
  5. Your tried to strangle me twice. Freak. 
  6. Fuck your double standards

What I did was delete the message and his number from my phone. I’d like to say I learnt from this lesson but I’ve had the same thing happen again where I’ve spent the evening with a guy and bearly heard from him again. I guess some guys love notching up the conquests and the nice guy image, often accompanied by a sob story is there for long enough to get a girl in bed. If you get a good time out of it all well and good but in the words of Steps this guy was better best forgotten. 


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