I’d describe the last couple of weeks as a perfect storm. One by one things have happened that lead to me going slightly crazy one night this week and having a bad panic attack. I messaged my councilor the following morning to schedule in an extra appointment as I knew I needed someone to tell me why I was behaving the way I was as I sure as hell couldn’t work it out. The most important thing I’ve learned over the last two years is to reach out for help when you need it.
As I sat there and unloaded my feelings one by one she picked them apart and told me why I was ‘acting out’ she used the term relapse which sounded a bit dramatic to me at the time but now I think about it more she is right. I was doing so well but entering the dating game again has set me back. I clearly still don’t like myself enough to be strong enough to be dating.
Obsessing over guys who treated me like shit, tick
Getting freaked out the second someone actually shows some genuine interest, tick
Letting guys sleep with me when I know they would never actually take me out on a date, tick
Accepting anything less than being treated how I want to be, tick
All these behaviours stem from my childhood.
One of the reasons I’m so scared to have children of my own is how much my childhood shaped the person I am now. I actually thought at one stage that god had caused my miscarriages as he knew I wasn’t good enough to be a mum. I know I am not my mother but the thought of inflicting any of the behaviors I saw as a child fills me with horror. What if I do eventually turn into her. I didn’t drink alcohol for a good few years as I was so worried I would behave like her. I try and try to work my way out of these feelings but time and time again issues arise that have been determined by how I was brought up. I am full of admiration for anyone who manages to separate their childhood from their adulthood.
One thing I had never really spoken to my councilor about in great detail was sex. The last few weeks its pretty much been filling my mind. I hadn’t thought much about this until a third guy told me he had never met a girl who wanted as much sex as I did. I figured this was more due to the fact that after 11 years of someone not really being that bothered about having sex with me a whole new world has opened up to me and I’m just exploring it.
As we sat there and spoke about the people I had slept with in the last few months and how I felt before, during and after she asked me if I realised I was an addict. In two years she had never actually said this to me. Sure I know I am OCD and times of stress make that worse and I eat my feelings but being told outright that i’m an addict somewhat shocked me. I’d become something I had spent my whole life trying to avoid. She was pleased I had caught myself and said I needed to make changes before sex became another thing I was addicted to.
Pushing my feelings down further and further and topping them with food and an obscured view that guys care for me (sex) is not going to do anything apart from make me depressed and fat!
She asked me to deleted Tinder and Bumble. Another thing she feels I am addicted to.
When I got home I actually felt a wave of relief come over me as I pressed the little cross on the phone screen to delete them. At least that’s one thing I can conquer for the time being.