I’ve mentioned in previous posts my desire to feel happy and how i’m perplexed that this magic feeling has always seemed to allude me. Yes I’ve had moments of happiness but it has never seemed to stay with me. I had a lovely evening watching Green Day in Hyde Park last weekend and a couple of hours in I felt a wave of happiness wash over me. It was so lovely, like the addict I am, I want more!
Aristotle was convinced that a genuinely happy life required the fulfillment of a broad range of conditions, including physical as well as mental well-being so I’m looking further into the mental side of happiness at the moment and have recently begun a new journey joining Overeaters Anonymous. My councilor suggested I should go over a year ago but it’s taken a while to truly believe this is a place I needed to go. I was also encouraged by someone I was seeing who is in another fellowship. He seemed pretty clued up and felt it would benefit me.
I’ve now been going to meetings twice a week for a month and I don’t feel it’s an understatement to say it’s started to changed my way of thinking. To know I’m not alone and there are 1000’s of other people out there that use food the same way I do is truly a relief. Everyone’s story is the different but we all have the same threads weaving through them, a feeling of worthlessness usually stemming from childhood. Once this ugly feeling is in you it really is hard to shake it off.
This week I started ‘working the program’ this is a combination of:
- Maintaining an abstinence from food (this varies from person to person)
- Following the 12 steps used in AA
- Reading 2 pages of the Big Book
- Attending two meetings a week
- Giving service by being an active member of the fellowship (I set out chairs in one meeting and time people sharing in another)
- Making outreach calls – 2 a day to other fellows
- A daily call to my sponsor, 7am (ouch)
- Morning and evening prayers to my higher power
- Writing a gratitude list at the end of everyday
The first couple of days went well but yesterday afternoon I started to have a wobble, I almost skipped my evening meeting but forced myself to go. Last night I spent an hour laying in bed trying to work out what the issue was and then it came to me. I’m scared to fail at something again. I shared this on the fellowships whatsapp group this morning and I was inundated with lovely messages of reassurance to take it ‘one day at a time’. Sometimes I wish I could just have my memory erased and start again. I find it so hard not to re-run over why things didn’t work out with certain situations and why I don’t have the things I so desperately want. So I’m trying to stick to ‘one day at a time’ and not look backwards or forwards. Just be in the here and now and worry about the day ahead of me.