Hurt – The first heartbreak

Although this song has only just been released it transports me back to being 20 and being in an endless cycle of push and pull with my first love.

I was totally besotted with this guy. He was the perfect boyfriend and honestly spoiled me for every man who followed. We went out for 2 and a half years, he was the first person I slept with. Kind, thoughtful, always there for me. One day he traveled for 5 hours to spend an hour with me as it was valentines day.  Yes he was perfect.  Perfect that is until he found someone else he would rather go out with than me…..

I remember the first thing my drunk mother said to me when I told her he had dumped me over the phone whilst away at university.  ‘He probably cheated on you with someone else’ And there solidified my feelings of not being good enough and catapulted my obsession with food.

In my mind if I was skinnier and prettier he would choose me over the other girl when he finally came home from university in the summer. I went to the gym for a minimum of two hours everyday, without fail. Hardly ate anything. It didn’t take long for the result to show, after a couple of months I was a size 10, the smallest I had ever been. Everyone was telling me I looked amazing, what was my secret? Heartache was the secret, I may have looked good from the outside but I felt wretched inside.

Low and behold, five months after being dumped I receive a phone call at 11pm asking me to go and meet him as his new girlfriend had dumped him and he was heartbroken. What did I do? Run straight there and comfort him of course.

Then came a summer of back and forth, on and off, sex in cars and anywhere people wouldn’t find out. Every party we went to we would get drunk and end up pulled back together. It was torture. Eventually I stopped going out with friends and let them ‘keep’ him. It was just too painful to be in the merry-go-round when I was still so in love with him and he would so easily pick me up and put me down.

I can’t put all of this at his door, going to OA has really made me look at how I have behaved in the past.  Going along with situations because in my mind I was not good enough so would willingly take whatever scraps I was thrown and accept them as ‘love’.  I went along with it saying I was fine when I really wasn’t. I wanted him back and after I had physically changed he still didn’t want me. Its taken a long time to work out I need to fix the internal before the external is fixed but I’m finally getting there.

If my memory gets the best of me
Then I’ll always find an excuse
Yeah, I’ll make believe, re-write history
Ignite a spark I can’t undo
It always starts out simple like a conversation
Before I know it, I’m lost in your illumination

If you catch my eye across a crowded room
I’ll fall into the atmosphere surrounding you
If you pull me close just to disappear
The chances are I’d wait for you a thousand years
If you light the fuse you know that I’ll react
If you wrap us in your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that

You’re a carnival on a summer night
Gone too soon every time
Yeah, it’s beautiful how you burn so bright
In the waste land you leave behind

If you catch my eye across a crowded room
I’ll fall into the atmosphere surrounding you
If you pull me close just to disappear
The chances are I’d wait for you a thousand years
If you light the fuse you know that I’ll react
If you wrap us in your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that

If you call me up at three AM
I’ll run to the rescue time and time and time again

If you pull me close just to disappear
The chances are I’d wait for you a thousand years
If you light the fuse you know that I’ll react
If you wrap us in your love just to take it back
You could hurt somebody like that

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One Comment Add yours

  1. So true, I’ve yo-yoed with my weight for years but was only truly happy once I accepted me for me. It’s reflected in my love life and now I have the confidence to leave people who don’t think I’m as great as I am

    Liked by 1 person

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