One night this week I got home from work just before 9pm. I was tired, the day had been long and stressful at times but I was glad to be home. As I was working late my parents had been looking after my dogs and the house was eerily quite. My ex had been to the house to take away the final of his belongings, it felt strange knowing he had been in the house and that everything that was left was mine. I started to feel sadness creep over me, before long I felt so sad that my heart was actually hurting. I didn’t like this one bit. Who does? Being abstinent I could no longer reach for food to cover my feeling so I sat there with it.
The next thought that came into my head was what guy can I call over to stop me feeling alone? But having been told off by my sponsor for having sexual relations before I had reached step five I knew I also couldn’t do that, well not without feeling massively guilty after.
I messaged a fellow who is years into his recovery and was given some good advice. I need to feel these feelings to know what I need to work on. Feeling uncomfortable is normal and healthy and I just had to keep going through it. So I continued to sit with the pain.
I started to cry and feel really alone. Dying alone is my biggest fear once my head goes to that place it’s not pretty. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I went to bed so I rang the only person I felt I could speak to whilst in tears. As I cried down the phone he reassured me and spoke through what I was feeling and gave me tips on how I could beat feeling like this. Before long he had me laughing and the pain in my heart subsided enough to get to sleep.
Yesterday I had a day out with my parents to celebrate my fathers birthday. My father can’t walk very well so a lot of the day was spent alone while they took refuge in cafes and dad could rest. I quite enjoyed going into which ever shop I chose and not having to worry about someone waiting outside for me. I spent a long time in church praying and lighting candles for the loved ones I miss. It was only when we got to the hotel and I saw the room I was staying in with its single bed that I felt a pang of sadness. I’m alone and no longer part of a team. I thought back to how hard I had found it earlier in the week and that I had come through that so could get through this. I threw on more make up and put a brave face on for dinner. We ended up having a lovely evening.
Today we wandered around a seaside town and it was full of families having fun. I found myself wishing I had someone’s hand to hold whilst walking along. Although I was my with parents I felt alone. As I looked at the the kids I felt that pang again. My head started to wander into ‘your going to be alone forever and never have babies’ territory.
Again I had to pull back and think back to getting through the week and the night before. This process is normal while going through recovery and things WILL get better as long as I keep going through.